Ask any love expert what the main cornerstone of a relationship is, and you will likely hear the same thing: communication. But for so many people, communication means to speak, when the real keys to a successful relationship are active listening and empathy.
There's no sense in putting out what you feel about something if it's not going to be heard and considered by your partner. And within that simple statement lies the real reason so many people fear sharing their thoughts and feelings: They're vulnerable.
I asked 500+ men what they thought about but were afraid to share with their significant others. During the discussions, their answers became real, raw, and had surprising similarities.
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He hears your frustration when you get back from work, or the gym, or lunch with your friends. What he doesn't understand is why you're talking to that one woman who's quietly making you mad.
You know, your frenemy. In his world, a friend of his who becomes a jerk is no longer a friend. In truth, the fact that she creates havoc and drama for you -- and that he feels the stress when it spills out into your relationship with him -- bothers him.
When a woman questions a man constantly, it makes him feel like he's making bad choices or that he doesn't know what he's doing. While there may be times when she needs real visibility into things (household finances, for instance), constant questions about the little things in life can come across as mistrust or nitpicking.
Oftentimes, nitpicking or smothering is a symptom of something deeper -- trust issues, insecurity, and/or lack of time/attention. It's better to identify and address the real issue.
When relationships move past the honeymoon period, things can become comfortable. The result is that both parties can stop putting in the effort they had when they first entered the relationship.
And while both parties should put their best foot forward to keep passion alive, men were clear that they were missing the women they met at the beginning. He wants to keep wanting you, so show him why he should. And if he's falling down at keeping the spark alive, tell him you want the same.
Strong men desire strong women. It's only weak men who need a weak woman to keep down and control. Bottom line: Want a man to be interested in you? Make him work for your affections. Want him to respect you? Expect it. Demand it.
Be his equal and don't allow him to steamroll over you. Want him to love you long-term? Love and respect yourself, and he will have no choice but to follow your lead.
According to 2002 studies, respect in a relationship correlates to the level of commitment a partner has to the relationship.
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The very weak don't know how to forgive -- they only hate and/or get rid of you. The very strong forgive, but they never forget and they never let you forget.
Some behaviors might be unforgivable and a deal-breaker, but if you want to forgive him for something he's done, you need to find a place between strong and weak. Forgiveness isn't the same as acceptance.
Accepting how someone hurt you doesn't work, as it means you're okay with what they did. But you can forgive and move on, and do it without hate or resentment. To start the process of forgiveness, you just need to realize that what they did wasn't about you -- it was about them, their choices, and/or their lackings.
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If you want him to be honest, allow space for him to share his real thoughts. If you ask for honesty (not insults, just his honest accounting of something), criticizing him will only create distance.
Criticism, research from The Gottman Institute states, is a relationship killer. He will interpret that response as it being unsafe to share what's on his mind, and he will stop sharing for fear of judgment and criticism.
He wants to be strong -- with you and for you. It's part of his DNA to not show fear, even in the face of adversity, because he wants to carry the weight of whatever issue he's facing and solve it.
What he needs is to know that through it all, you have faith in him and can solve things together. It might take him some getting used to, but the burden of everyday life challenges is something many men want to share.
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Recognition is very important to everyone, and he wants to know that he's doing his job -- at home, in his individual life, and within himself. He wants to know you're paying attention to what he's doing and, quite simply, that it matters to you.
Oftentimes, he might do something routine for both of you, so it loses meaning. But he still wants recognition for it! Taking a little time to tell him you're proud of him is all he wants.
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