Kamala Harris's health is said to be "excellent," but the nation has yet to hear about Donald Trump's. "Do you really want to see his X-rays?" said Stephen Colbert.
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'Can Walk Up Stairs'
Kamala Harris released a medical report on Saturday, wherein the vice president's doctor stated that she was in "excellent health."
"It's great that just the words 'excellent health' kind of feel like a dig at Donald Trump," Stephen Colbert said on Monday.
"They should follow that up with 'can walk up stairs' and 'is potty trained.'" -- STEPHEN COLBERT
"According to a letter from Harris's physician, 'She possesses the physical and mental resiliency required to successfully execute the duties of the presidency, to include those as chief executive, head of state and commander in chief.' Yeah! That's impressive. That's a hell of a doctor's note. After my last physical, Dr. Shaker just wrote, 'can continue to host "The Late Show," maybe sit down for monologue?'" -- STEPHEN COLBERT
"According to the doctor, Harris works out daily and eats healthy. OK, but politicians are supposed to be relatable to Americans. We do not eat healthy. Has she forgotten the immortal words of Thomas Jefferson in the Declaration of Independence: 'Love that chicken from Popeyes'?" -- STEPHEN COLBERT
"You know who hasn't released his medical records? Donald Trump, which Harris pointed out. [audience boos] Do you really want to see his X-rays?" -- STEPHEN COLBERT
The Punchiest Punchlines (Pay-Per-View Edition)
"Trump has not released his medical report. He has not released his medical report, he has not released his tax returns, his health care plan. He hasn't released his sports bra for months. But he was up at 1:12 a.m. posting, 'I believe it is very important that Kamala Harris pass a test on cognitive stamina and agility.' The guy who's up in the middle of the night reading tweets about himself wants to give someone else a cognitive test." -- JIMMY KIMMEL
"If you're too scared to debate again, I dare you to take a cognitive test against the vice president. Let's see how you do. You could charge people for it if you want. Make it a pay-per-view. I will pay you $49.99 to watch that." -- JIMMY KIMMEL
"He won't even release his blood pressure." -- JIMMY KIMMEL
The Bits Worth Watching
The "Smile 2" star Naomi Scott taught Kimmel and Guillermo Rodriguez how to nail a creepy grin on "Jimmy Kimmel Live."
What We're Excited About on Tuesday Night
The "Shrinking" star Jason Segel will visit "The Late Show."
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In Los Angeles, Deaf West's revival of Green Day's "American Idiot" musical finds ways to communicate its rage and angst through sign language.